10/21/2004
no more drama please
oh boy life has jus been going crazie lately...why do i keep adding drama into my already hectic life. i mean why am i making it hard for evryone else around me too? i hate how history keeps repeating itself..especially over things that involve emotions that i cant really control. i guess i just really have to face this or its going to keep coming back but its hard because im torn between what i want and whats right and its stupid because what i want is almost for sure not what its gonna turn out to be anyways its always like that. im just a hyperactive dreamer lemme say the name so ill remember and hurt myself for it later nait yes i know i feel like the worst friend ever especially since i know that weed still likes him okay these names suck because anyone who reads will understand but i just need to make it obvious to myself when i look over my life..man i feel awful. i always do this *kicks self* ive done it to jenr jen leesh etc..omgosh i feel degraded okay and the worst part is i cant stop myself. i cant stop myself from feeling pleasure when he says something and i cant stop myself from thinking that maybe theres something behind that and i cant stop myself from wondering if it were to happen omgosh i have to stop i feel worse with evry word i type. if anyone ever reads this especially this person i have in mind. i apologize with all my heart i wish it never happened...
im praying really hard rite now about tc...i just really dont kno if i should do it and im just waiting for a sign from God telling me where to go..i dont kno i just have to keep praying i guess i kno this may not be a big deal but i want to do it..i mean i want to influence lives and mayb be part of their possible life changing experience..is that selfish? =/ that i want to be experiencing with their joy for my satisfaction...i dunno but i just want to experience you kno. but i dont kno if im ready at all. as a christian i have definitely not been the best..like a yoyo christian is wasnt until recently that ive really devoted my life and even then it hasnt been the best...im probably one of the weakest out there because i have so many spiritual struggles that i cannot hold my own to. i dont kno i dont want to lead them far off...i mean i might not even get accepted but what if i do and i end up being responsible for losing a life instead of leading one to God. i would jus..like i would never forgive myself ever. omgosh. like the old man on the street. that is one story ill be telling my kids.
school sucks. and note to self. i hate mr lee. he cannot teach and dont get me wrong im sure hes a really great guy but in that classroom as a teacher HE CANNOT TEACH. seriously some people are just not born with the ability to lead students to knowledge and thats okay..he can go find another job..where he can utilize his good personality (ish) but obviously teaching is not one of his finer aspects aaaaah! i will scream. and on the way to teacher. miss kim is a loveable sweet kind teacher but shes nooooot...or maybe its just her against our class i dunno but shes strict man. if she looked different everyone would hate her. aaaaaaaah.
well onto my day..woke up early to wash my hair. extremely tired and cold..went to skewl with my still semi wet hair so it like hardened in the car..ick hmm went to skewl had english i think..and then i was trying to finish my bible homework then we had vocal me jen phoebs were late went to study finished our bible homework went to bible realized we dint have to hand it in today seriously its like tha times when i actually do my bible hw he doesnt take it in and then times we dont do it he decides to take it in grr! im like failing his course and evryone elses whatever...hmm whatever else..oh rite so we had lunch bought a hot dog got kicked out from our homeroom cuz they had a volleyball meeting went to the other room to do our science i dint finish probably gonna fail the stupid arse lab report cuz its SOO completely incomplete omgosh and then accounting..aaah mrs cracknell what can i say...you are so sweet in front of other teachers..and with us..ooh mymymy. whateverssss and you can never admit youre wrong have you noticed? you dont say out oh..youre right..oh wait have you? i cant remember
my mind is tired
hmm...bsides this im really a sweet girl. really =)
4 Comments:
oh why. what has tian been sayin to you?
i unno whats goin on but yeah all i can say is that i knew it was gonna happen. maybe thats why in the first place i was pretty hesitant in the first place for you two to meet him, let alone talk to him. like him if you want, i cant stop your emotions.
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JOANNE (8)
weakest christian eh....... is it about being the strongest though =\ i got confused while typing this i was gona say something else... owell
thanks for your time hahaha
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