1/09/2005
white out
you know..no matter how many times you try to cover an error its always going to be there..theres no mistaking that and you can only try to pretend that it never happened and continue to write over it..
__________________________________________________________CHIKKABAH____
mission: i have an unspoken. just to know what to do with my life i mean for me this is critical am i just setting myself up in situations where it will only harm someone else because if thats it i really dont want to do it but i really believe this is what i should be, the very cheesy line: this is my calling. omgosh it sounds so bad just saying it but how can it be that it starts popping up everywhere and constantly on my mind and then suddenly this annoucement comes up or maybe im just being paranoid. before i really didnt want to do it but the more i think about it..the more it seems right. well ill just continuing praying for direction
"and oh, how could i not be moved"
wow so many things on my mind right now and i think just about everythings about spiritual things and what is 'right' gosh i feel so..fake no not fake..undeserving? i dunno i cant think of the word. like lately ive just been thinking about walking the walk but its so foreign to me. i mean this isnt how i lived my life at all before. im sorrie to everyone who will think im changing because i am. but hopefully its for the better. i really want..need to. how can i call myself a christian if nothing ever changes how will i be different from everyone else who arent. im sorrie its just been on my mind much...im pretty afraid of what the future holds. so many possibilities of rejection, failure, being seen as a hypocrite. im really afraid
baptism: okay i was wrong...and i feel extremely guilty about it now. i mean when phoebs said she was going to get baptized i was like are you ready to like make the commitment etc and stuff but i realized now that if thats when people decide to get baptized then hardly anyone would get baptized because no one will ever be completely ready and no one will ever be completely "mature" at least not until they die. it just got to me that baptism isnt something extremely spiritual its not something only mature christians can do. its just that one step saying im a christian. if youre ready to put it onto your aa pages then your ready to get baptized. so phoebs i reeeeally want to apologize for changing your mind if i had i was very wrong. =/
wow now that i got everything out..it feels good :)
now onto talking bout johnny and his smooooth graceful badminton moves LOL
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